Trust

Parents must have trust when it comes to their children's care. We have to trust their doctors, teachers, and caregivers. Since I returned to work, we placed Charleigh (8 weeks old) in daycare at the same preschool Cavan goes to. When Cavan was an infant I had a hard time being satisfied with the care and we moved him around until he was 15 months old. I love the school he's at now. He has had curriculum since he started there. He has learned so much.

Six babies to one adult is a ridiculous ratio. State regulations allow twelve babies to two adults. Obviously, all childcare facilities are going to maximize this. Even parents with sextuplets get outside help so it only makes sense to bring the baby adult ration down some. I have been really struggling with letting her go to daycare so young. I hadn't planned for her to go until she was six months to a year old. That didn't work out. Nevertheless, here we are.

One of the caregivers is having a difficult time differentiating between Charleigh and Catherine. We keep getting Catherine's stuff sent home in our bag. What really set me off was when I picked her up on Thursday she had Catherine's pacifier. I went straight to the owner and she agreed that this is a major deal and spoke with both of the teachers. The next morning, the one that keeps getting everything mixed up snapped at me.

I pulled Charleigh's pacifier out of her cubbie and someone else's initials were put on the bottom of it in white out. I said, “Catherine's initials are on Charleigh's pacifier.” She fired back, "That's why we need everything to be mark." In the same tone she used with me, I said, "Her name is in black sharpie above where the white out is." I left the room crying and shaking and spoke to the owner again.

First, my concern was that she couldn't pay enough attention to keep them straight. I began to wonder if she was even getting her own bottles since we share diapers, clothes, and pacifiers. This disgusts me. Sharing mothers' breast milk. Now, my concern is that she will ignore Charleigh because she is upset with me. It makes me sick to my stomach. They are well aware that I am upset. My dad suggested I spot check the videos everyday for a while. That’s the plan.

It also infuriates me that she dares to have an attitude with me because I'm not ok with sharing germs. I think my complaint is completely legitimate.

I have been a complete basket case this week. Yesterday, after I left school I cried at Wal-Mart when someone else's child fell out of the buggy. It was terrible.

I hope all of this gets worked out soon because I cannot continue to allow my little girl to be in this situation. It is so hard to trust anyone except family to care for my children. I have never worried since Cavan started here two years ago.

Neighbors

People are interesting. My neighbor of 19 years (if I still lived at my parents) has always been kind and helpful to anyone in the neighborhood that would allow it. She cares for everyone. When I was little her son and I tried for a really long time to catch an injured squirrel. He finally did and they nursed him back to health and kept him a few years. Being one of the most kindhearted people I know, it’s strange to me that in her time of need she won’t allow anyone to be there for her.

It bothers me, because she had a bladder surgery and since then she hasn’t been at work. She has family visit everyday. We talked to her son and he said that she is having a hard time dealing with some things mentally and emotionally. All I can figure is that they found something bad. It is upsetting because she is literally like my second mom. When I had my first wreck I called her so she could let my mom down easy. Her and her son came and helped me with everything because I didn’t know what to do. I have lived next to her since I was 4. This is what is on my mind lately. I pray that she is ok.

Time

It amazes me that I feel like time is going by quickly and at a snails pace at the same time.

I cannot believe that Cavan will start real school pretty soon. I feel like it's going too fast. I want him to stay little. It's been just us and his dad for three years. Cavan and I had a lot of alone time. He was my one and only. He is handling his shared spotlight wonderfully, but I can't help but feel like it needs to be just us sometimes. I know I miss those times of hassle free fun stuff just the two of us so he probably feels the same way. I make it a point to take him on a one on one date regularly. He needs to feel special. The first time we did something we went to Happy Belly. I asked if he wanted to go on a ice cream date. He said, "without daddy?" It was so sweet because he thanked me so much and was completely thrilled. Today we had a birthday party to attend. Then I dropped baby Charleigh off with my mom and we went to the duck pond. He brought a book bag of toys and had a really good time. He is just growing so fast. I'm trying to absorb every bit of him right now.

Where am I?

Since becoming a mother three years ago, I find myself choosing from my 12 different solid colored shirts and wearing my hair the same way everyday. I used to be fun and feel inspired all of the time. Now I go through the motions of each day. Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t trade my children for anything. I would be a boring mom forever if that’s the only way it could be. I know that I can be me and a mother though. I plan to work on “finding myself’ again. I have been feeling really blah lately. That is probably because I just had my little girl almost 6 weeks ago. The fact that I don’t fit in any of my clothes just yet is probably a large contributing factor.

I have also noticed that lunch with friends consists of baby talk constantly. Even with my friends that don't have children. Maybe that is just part of being an adult.

To begin all of this, I plan to start reading for pleasure and crafting again.